A: Health Care reform - um, I suppose the bill that looks like it will land on the president's desk in a couple weeks will at least do away with pre-existing conditions, lifetime insurance payout limits and other barbaric insurance industry practices but it seems to be falling far short of what many wanted. You yourself may not agree with the so called "public option" but 60-70% consistently polled as supporting that option, yest it has been excluded from the bill along with several other, much needed reforms. If the existing insurance industry does not face new competition of some kind it will continue to drain the pockets of average Americans in order to fill the CEO s and other up[per management of the insurance companies with obscenely undeserved bonuses. Who has ever done 500 million dollars of work in a single year? Certainly not the paper shufflers at the top of the heap, rather, they pocket these obscene bonuses (in addition to their normal salaries) year after year no matter whether their companies have turned a profit or have had to be bailed out due to poor management. How is this fair? How is this in the spirit of the Christ the Republican party so often invokes, yet who was also the Christ who drove the money changers out of the Temple and told the rich that it is harder for them to enter the kingdom of heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle? Sorry Barrack, but i think you need to sack up a little and be more willing to play the hardball that former President Bush played when he was able to ram innumerable questionable "reforms" through congress and all without your "super majority" in both houses of Congress. :(
B: Iraq and Afghanistan - I do understand that you made it clear during the Presidential debates prior to your election that you
would withdraw troops from Iraq after 18 months of becoming President and that you would transfer some of the resources from Iraq to Afghanistan, however, the 18 month deadline draws near, and based on your poor performance delivering on health care and gay rights, which i will cover shortly, I have begun to brace myself for the 18 month Iraqi deadline to come and go without significant action. Please feel free to redeem yourself and prove me wrong. What I would now like, is a withdrawal deadline for Afghanistan as well please? Don't be the Kennedy or the Johnson to today's Vietnam.
C: The Homos - I voted Republican in a Presidential election once: 1996, Bob Dole. I did so because I wanted to send a protest vote to Clinton who also came into office with a long list of to-do's and quickly failed to produce on many of them. Health care reform? Fail. Clinton's promises to end the military's prohibition on gay recruits? Fail. Clinton's classic "slick willy" move was to change the military's policy from "witch hunt and expel" to "don't ask. don't tell." There are several problems with don't ask don't tell (DADT). Of primary relevance at this time are the numerous expulsions of otherwise exemplary soldiers, during time of war, who's specialties are in short supply, for the simple reason that they were discovered to be interested in members of their own sex. A secondary concern is that "don't tell" is the exact opposite of "free speech," which is among the very first, and therefore, one would assume, the most important of Constitutionally protected rights? So far President Obama has not delivered on his promise to end DADT, a change which, unlike his clearly stated stance against gay marriage, he did insure his gay constituents he would implement. He is in a particularly strong position to do this since, in his position as Commander in Chief of the United States Military does not require him to consult Congress on this matter. He could eliminate this anachronistic relic of puritanism with a single signature on an executive order. That is exactly how the ban on black and white troops was overturned, an executive order in a time of war. The precedent is there, use it?
D: well, this is basically not a disappointment YET, but I do hope that the economy turns around before the 2012 Presidential elections or I may have to face another nail-biter between him and Sarah Palin, or perhaps some worse example of political competence that the Republican party manages to dig out of the woodwork. Oh well, those are things I had hoped a President Obama would deliver on; one (health care reform) seems to have turned out to be a half assed crumbs from the table sort of compromise, the second awaits any action whatsoever, and the third has seen action but I am only willing to wait so long before signs of economic change begin to become apparent or I will be tempted to throw in the towel on that core issue of Obama's Presidential campaign as well.
I don't want to be politically apathetic, but come on people, how many sad sack, wimpy compromised administrations can a good progressive endure before he starts to give up his last remaining hopes for American political progress?
My Obama disappointments as his first year draws to an end.
2012 - my apocolypse fatigue - npr story and my thots
In the late 1970s I was taken by my parents to go see that "Rapture Movie" that seems to have exerted a great deal of trauma on many other children of my generation who's parents were in one way or another linked to the evangelical/charismatic protestant tradition. Our elders may have been able to watch the hoekie special effects and not be scarred for years by the sight of a stick of butter dropped on the ground by a suddenly raptured "holier than thou" - or holier than me at least, B grade actor. But kids are very literal. So there i waited through he mid and late 70s for mom andf dad and granny and all to suddenly disappear one day and leave me and my sinful (or what a child imagines to be seriously sinful at least) ways behind to face the UN and it's Antichrist president's demon forces all alone.
But alas, that "late great planet earth" awaited by the Jesus Freaks and friends never occurred.
Pat Robertson resurrected the theme with new scenarios and dates to fill my still immature mind with throughout the 80s that then involved either Russian or Chinese or Arab (it depended on the latest news cycle) boogie men that were identified as either Gog or Magog etc etc.
then a brief break that was the post cold war. no nightmare images of nuclear fires raining down from the sky or robot/demon soldiers in blue UN helmets.
Ah, but then came Y2k. And for all the buildup and all the millennial hype nothing - nothing - nothing - occurred. Again...
On the heals of that "alert" the left stepped in to fill the end times void that the right temporarily abandoned and global climate catastrophe became the apocalypse d'jour.
That seems to be taking place surely, and slowly enough based upon my own observations of the winters here on the east coast during my short enough lifetime. But none the less, the global warming terror peaked with Gore and has begun the downward slump that the Malthusian prophecies calling for world wide famine in the 1960s took along with all the other end of it all alarms before and after have taken.
As the threat of imminent and immediate flooding begins to lose its currency it is now time for the next cycle - this time around it's the Mayans and their calendar and maybe some planets or earthquakes or stars aligning or alien coming down (again? harmonic convergence? hale bop? it becomes exhausting to try to keep track of all the theories over the years!) or something or other.
so, lets have a quick little look at what the hubbub is all about this time around:
"The apocalypse is "a very Western, Christian" concept projected onto the Maya, perhaps because Western myths are "exhausted."If it were all mythology, perhaps it could be written off.
But some say the Maya knew another secret: the Earth's axis wobbles, slightly changing the alignment of the stars every year. Once every 25,800 years, the sun lines up with the center of our Milky Way galaxy on a winter solstice, the sun's lowest point in the horizon.
That will happen on Dec. 21, 2012, when the sun appears to rise in the same spot where the bright center of galaxy sets."
full article here:
11 pm and the shift has occured
from slavery, 3/5th of a vote in the constitution, to no vote in the poll tax south, to the president in just 140 odd years. everyone's child can become president. half white half black. half kansas and half immigrant. the original american dream, realized. finally. all men ARE created equal. America is the great melting pot - isn't that what we were supposed to believe all along? well, the pot has melted.
i feel a great sense of relief. it is time. it has been long enough. when the old confederacy votes to deliver the presidency to an african american - it's done. you all who drug your feet, it's over, america is transformed. it is finished. we have arrived at Jefferson's original ideal.
all men ARE created equal.
perhaps it IS because i was a child of the 70's that i think that this is the future and not an apocolyptic future, but a fresh and clear future. the elementary school i went to was named leda shishoff elementary school. this was in 1978 - the school was named after a past principal of the school. she was an african american and she made her way to be principal in an elementary school in nj in the 1950's! a majority white town voted to name the school after her. she had passed away before i ever even attended the school. so maybe to me - it is different - why wouldn't an african american be a good leader? she was. and she was good enough for all the white folks in williamstown in the 50's and 60's. why would someone be ineligable for leadership now due to their melanin count? why wasn't colin powell ineligible when he led our armed forces, or condoleeza rice when she led our foriegn affairs? those two republicans - and african americans - had risen to some of the highest ranks America has to offer. would they not be eligible?
it is over. it is finished. the declaration of independence has finally reached fruition today! all the words of the declaration are now a reality. God bless and protect us all. and i do not see why He would not.
beyond race - in fact - when a man is 50% white and raised by his white grandparents and 50% black - is there even such a thing as race anymore? i'm losing words....
race. given the reality of science and the workings of genetics taking us all back to africa, and given the cultural realization that, yes, despite the fact that generations said the words but did not enact them - ALL men ARE created equal.
Ideal Manufacturing It's not a fancy salon, it's nothing but a Quonset Hut
for those south jersey and philly folks of a certain age this can bring back a flurry of fond memories:
click to hear the original radio jingle! :)
below is a blog about my friend ray foster from williamstown - many might remember him - he is gone now
he impacted me in many ways. maybe later i will share some stories from him and me in this post. most of him is now in the grand canyon:
http://rayfosterjr.blogspot.com/
this is the final resting place of most of his remains - i have heard some remains are still in reserve waiting for a proper pine barrens burial.
uncle matt talks about september 08
so i decided this blog is nice and all but it needs a regular boost of personal info from me, every body's uncle matt. I'm gonna do it towards the end of each month (besides any other stories like the flip story or whatnot).
well, September is almost over and it was rough month but now that it's done im so glad - with each passing week i could feel another weight drop off my shoulders... like, i could physically feel it drop off! so I'm going to do a run down of all that has come to pass - to include:
my DUI hearing
my Bankruptcy hearing
my Social Security hearing
and some other stuff i did:
DUI: i got pulled over in January of 08 for DUI - it was totally stupid and totally my fault and i told the officer that. at the end of our evening together the officer even said that he would make a special notation in the report that i was very co-operative and not totally plastered acting. so, ages and ages went by and i never got a notice to go to court - 7 months later i got the notice - come to court. i got a public defender and went to court. i was totally freaked for the entire weekend before court. this is my second DUI and i was petrified that i would be totally spanked by the state.
Well, it went ok, more or less. I lost my license for 2 years but that doesn't change my day to day life too much right now since i haven't had a car since march due to finances and such. i got the NJ state surcharges to pay. But i got a very low fine from the court itself which is great. but in place of this low fine i got 30 days community service. the court in the county where this happened said i will eventually get a letter from Gloucester county telling me where and when to show up for my community service intake interview. again - trying to look at this in the best light possible - i had been planning as part of my therapy to do volunteer work as my next step in re-broadening my horizons. so, in the end i felt ok about it i guess?
Bankruptcy: I also stopped working some time ago due to mental health issues (panic and agoraphobia with depression and a couple other more minor diagnoses). so needless to say i burnt through all my savings paying for treatment before medicaid kicked in and as a result i also stopped paying all my old credit cards. when i first wasn't able to pay anymore i owed about 9,000. by last month that amount had become 22,000 due to interest and penalties. anyway, another lawyer (did you know it costs almost 1000 to go bankrupt? kind of an oxymoron of sorts cause of course you don't have a 1000 if you are bankrupt, but i was able to scratch it together from here and there). i went through that government hearing in yet another dull, depressing government building with way too much fluorescent lighting. i walked out debt free but also unable to borrow any money for another 7-10 years. based on my experiences with credit and how they treat you i think that might be more of a blessing than a punishment.
Social Security Hearing: oy, where do i start? really it starts in 1997 when i had my first bout of panic attacks and agoraphobia but after a couple weeks hiding in my bedroom (it was scary to even go downstairs to the fridge and i would run if i had to) it passed somehow. hooray! then in 01 the panic attacks (they may or may not be what you think they are - i think they need a better name but...) started to creep back in, slowly, but surely. by 04 i quit my last full time on the books job because i was having too much trouble keeping it together. but i thot - hey - maybe i just need a break? maybe after a couple months i will get better again. so i sold my house in Pittman and moved on over to the Moore family compound back in williamstown. i kept waiting for it to get better "in a couple more months" and it didn't.
it got worse. it got to the point that by January 06 i was having a hard time leaving my trailer at all, i could go into the yard but anything further would likely cause a panic attack. i had difficulty being a passenger in a car, going to any sort of restaurant, movie theaters were out of the question and supermarkets existed to be run through at top speed. i realized i had hit a sort of rock bottom and dug out the yellow pages and called the county mental health hot line. this was a good thing but at the time it seemed like a death sentence: "call this number" called - "oh you really need to call this number" called - "ok, we can put u on our waiting list, we should have an appointment open in two months." figure that's crazy and call another service - same thing.
eventually by march i got an appointment. the therapist i had was great i thot. she was like something from a movie or such: a very dignified older (40s or 50s?) black woman with her hair in a turban. we did a bunch of crazy exercises; go to border books and sit for 10 minutes (me in borders covered in sweat!) etc. she was very insightful and not all like "well it's your fault you dumb ass" - she said for instance - "maybe you have a predisposition for anxiety that never would have shown up if you grew up and lived in italy or spain or anywhere where the pace is less frantic. nj is one of the worst places possible for someone who is easily overwhelmed."
in the first three months i made a great deal of progress. but then i sort of plateaued.
and on the plateau i have been since then. me and colleen living on a mesa of one sort or another :) ! so the therapist - she told me to apply for Social Security almost as soon as i started therapy. her words after our first meeting "you have a severe mental health problem." yikes! so in spring 06 i trekked on over to the SS office in glassboro.
this is one of the catch 22's about getting treatment for agoraphobia and panic - the last thing u want to do is go out to these government offices and sit in a room full of people while the tv blasts at you and various children run around screaming and throwing things. well i did it. i applied. little did i know it was all some sort of game - like Chinese checkers or battleship.
needless to say more than two years later i finally got to have my hearing. the "judge" looked like Santa. he seemed very fair but also very difficult to read. very few if any reactions as i spent an hour or so answering my lawyer and his questions. he had all sorts of medical documents before him as well - these days there is a cd with all of your records in PDF format and there are two computers and two monitors, one for you and your lawyer and one for the judge. your lawyer and the judge can both control it and zoom back and forth between your various humiliating documents. anywho, by the end i was a twitchy sweaty mess but i got through it. i was super worried when me and my lawyer and her boss who had actually come along to do all the talking(?) sat me down in the foyer. i asked - well, how did we do? they both seemed a bit doubtful, well, the vibe i got was more than doubtful it was awful.
they said i would get a letter anywhere between two weeks and two months from then. after two weeks i made a daily habit of running ou tto the mailbox 3 times a day to see if an answer had come. that didn't end up how my answer came. my lawyer called me and asked me how i was doing? she said it in such a way that i knew she was wondering if i got the answer yet. i said i dunno - do you have any info for me? she said yes, good news, and i had a horrible day so far so to give you some good news is a nice thing. anyway i was approved - i found out friday morning. retroactive to when i first applied.
now i get to follow through with the tentative plans i had of starting to take some classes at GCCC and then on from there and various other financial quandaries find themselves fixed.
what is ultimately interesting for me at this point is that, yes, i was elated for a few hours after i got the decision, but since then i have been in a weird place, like my entire world is shifted and i have been hiding under the covers for the bulk of the last few days just trying to process what this means and what it will allow, ask phil, louie, mike, giovani, hans and anyone who has tried to have anything to do with me since friday. i wouldn't nescessarily call it a depression, but my behaviour has mimiced typical depression type behaviour the last few days, an odd and unexpected development.
What Else Happened: I crashed my mountain bike and lost a tooth. don't know what will happen about that but for the time being i look like one of Sarah Palin's hockey kids. or a meth addict - either one.
I did lots of painting and arranging and decorating of the trailer.
I argued repeatedly with coco over whether he really needed to go potty in the middle of the night or was just faking it, which he does some times you know!
I watched some dvds - family guy season 1, someone to eat cheese with, something else i forgot. and also watched lots of project runway which i was completely caught of guard about being swept into cause i usually get the heebie jeebies whenever i see a "reality" show.
I spent allot of time in the mornings "misting" the patches of moss in my 10 foot by 50 foot yard. i want all the grass to die and the moss to take over everything and then to have lots of other shade loving stuff like azaleas, rhododendrons, laurels and several not too tall evergreens. there is a small spot in the back of the yard that gets tons of sun - so that will be for veggies - the rest a challenge: a shade garden!
trying to think of interesting things that happened in September is really hard... well, for now i will leave it at this. maybe add some tomorrow or later tonight or later next week or ....
just for the moores (and ne-moores) and those who know them
Alright, "the flip flop story"... as some of you may know i was once in the usmc for a split second...
...actually 2 months and left just before bootcamp finished. this is nescessary to know because the following story is all about me and the usmc and an errant flip flop...
already - an errant flip flop - it makes me giggle...
{longest blog ever - matt's note}
USMC or DHS please let me know if this post violates ur rules or whatnot...
im sure there are details that made it sparkle when told fresh and new when it first happened that i will leave out - please, if you heard the first telling of the flip flop story leave some comments below if i left anything essential or even mildly interesting, out ok?
so here goes.
at one point in the 1990's i thought it would be a good idea to join the military - learn what they had to offer, do my duty and move on. Well, it wasn't a good idea for me - or at least it wasn't a good idea to join the Marines. I was warned by several old and crusty marines that it wasn't a good idea and i shouldn't show up for my intake. I had a great boyfriend at the time, he was former air force military police - so he thought it would be a great idea and encouraged me - as did all other air force and navy folk... see who encouraged and who didn't and take a hint...
at my testing session - like the SATs but for the military so there is a lot of "rotate this object in space" etc questions - i did surprisingly well, in fact i was in second place of all the 200 guys who took the test that day. Interestingly this was my downfall...
"How?" do you ask - well my original, somewhat more rational idea was to join the marines, experience boot camp, and then do the reserves. I applied to fill planes with fuel. What you apply for means nothing, and especially when you get some super score and they decide they have all sorts of other things in mind for you.
after my results came out of the little machine i was taken immediately back to my recruiter. he had a whole speech prepared for me: i could do the refuel/reserve thing or i could take advantage of my score and become an NCO. An NCO is a Non-Commissioned Officer. Usually you have to have a degree beyond high school to be an Officer, but due to my scores I could be an Officer even without college. Total flattery number one. total flattery number two was that i could fly. FLY! in the marines.. it's actually really hard to be able to actually fly in the Air Force let alone the Marines, so my recruiter laid out this whole scenario where i could go to Florida and spend 2 years becoming a pilot and then 3 years with them and then i could fly a plane for a living.
well, i fell for it....
i arrived at boot camp in the middle of the night on a bus and we sat in the dark....
then the dude came on, smokey bear hat and all...
he started yelling and we started obeying and obey i did until the very end.
to our arrival on paris island: we were marched first out of the bus onto the famous yellow footprints that are laid out - miraculously for the same number of people on the bus. We were abused verbally (who would not expect such on joining the USMC?) for a few minutes and then led into a building that looked like a typical big town high school -
inside we waited in single file to have our hair shorn off one by one, to turn the corner to the barber was a big deal - mine was already buzzed so i found this uneventful. then we were led off to this conveyor belt where we received our "new clothes and shoes and toiletries" - this was a horrible experience as we had to strip naked and leave everything we had brought along with us behind in brown paper bags (which much to my surprise i did receive back in the end) with our names on them to be reclaimed at such time as we left boot camp. this is where the number one problem came in for me:
my boots did not fit - at all...
my boots were at least two sizes too small and i had to wear sneakers which led to my eventual banishment from the drill squad because of course - i looked like a dork - the only one in sneakers out of all the squad - duh!
anyway- we went from this room with the conveyor-belt-of-new-belongings out to a "staging area" where we were made to wait... for hours - and i am not exaggerating - hours.... - with our backpacks full of all our new stuff.
after these several hours STANDING with our backpacks full of our new gear in silence and in pain we were led into a room where we were seated at desks. we had not been to sleep in over 48 hours and they did not intend, in any way shape or form, to allow it now.
we were informed that the USMC knew everything about us and that if we did not 'fess up' now we would be in jail or whatnot. there was a huge line of people who had former illegal activities or other impediments to joining the marine corp who went up one by one and explained what it was that they had done wrong. in today's military environment 90 percent of them would have been fine (research changed military rules in the last two years), back then? i don't know how many passed?
i did go up. i said - i should never have joined - "this is completely wrong for me and i made a completely wrong decision."
i was laughed at and sent back to my desk (exactly the desk u imagine - a high school desk - all in one unit).
after some weeks in boot camp..................................
i had become used to the usual morning toiletries - we had 3 (yes th
ree) minutes to run nude from our bunks - into the showers - and then back nude to our bunks to be yelled at for some random reason (u r never praised in the USMC boot camp - no matter how good you do).
and THIS is where the flip flop story actually starts:
as per all shower times; we were (all 30 or 40 of us) ordered as per usual to remove all of our clothes immediately and without warning, then we were suddenly shouted at to go to the showers - by this time knowing that we had an unreasonably short time to clean our bodies.
t
he only item we were permitted to wear into the showers were our "united states marine corp official flip flops".
first of all the very sentence "united states marine corp official flip flops" is an absurdity in it's own rite.
but none the less i had done it before and i would do it again.
the problem came when exiting the showers.
there was basically a herd mentality when the three minute whistle blew. 30-40 naked men in flip flops all came raging out of the showers trying to get to their place at their bunks. of course the last to arrive would be ridiculed and made to do some terrible exercise until the very moment of death and then allowed to return to their bunk. i wanted no such thing so i moved with the heard and even in front of it - however....
midway through the barracks-herd heading towards my bunk my left flip flop fell off.. i found this horribly funny at the time given the immense pressure of the entire situation. i stopped and laughed. this was not the correct response.
one of the three drill instructors that we had for our platoon noticed this massive faux pas. he stopped me - mid-herd - and said (or shouted with spit flying all over my face) "Is something funny recruit?"
We were required to call ourselves by the third person - never say you - always say "this recruit"
so i responded "THIS RECRUIT LOST HIS LEFT FLIPFLOP SIR!"
and of course - ..... it seemed all the more absurd once i said it, so i laughed again.
it was not received well, but i was able to turn around - post herd - and retrieve my flip flop and make my way back to my bunk. i'm pretty sure someone else was ridiculed at the bunks because i don't remember being ridiculed at that time and i remember being ridiculed two or three more times - ask about the boot through the footlocker story! to come soon! :) it's also a good one.... sorry anyway....
so - thats the flip flop story - i always felt you needed to be there but apparently it was a great hit after i returned from boot camp.
i left shortly after we did "pugil sticks" - - i did really bad at pugil sticks :(
(why did i return from boot camp without entering the marines?* - Official explaination "not fit for the USMC at this time." real reason - ask me later)
if you arrive from the dhs or the USMC and wish me to retract any of my statements - well, in light of the current political situation i suppose i will - free speech withstanding. love u all.
if you remember my first telling of this story at wolf ave please remind me of anything i may have left out!
* if it has the word MARINE in it you should figure water will be involved! however, while i was there i heard of two drill instructors committing suicide in the last 6 months as well as recruits who died. one recruit i met when we were already in the "decompression" troop told me he had just gotten up one day and started walking into the middle of the firing range during rifle practice. he just didn't vare anymore. this was one of the deep southern accent guys. i felt really bad for him because where ever he went back to probably wouldnt have the bemused reaction all of my jersey family and friends had when i came home early.
however - props where props are due:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y90UPLLo6nY
and finally some good old marine corp marching cadences:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y90UPLLo6nY
ley-o ley-o ley-o riagh!
the "bike ramp at night story"
I was asked to tell a couple more personal stories after i posted "for those who do not know me".
One was "the flipflop story" and the other was the "bike ramp at night story".
i will share the bike ramp story first because i sort of feel guilty about it and i would rather get that out of the way first.
this was back in the day when i lived on 9th avenue in Pitman in the Grove. Those in the loop will
know that 9th avenue is the one hill in the Grove. The Grove is the original section of town that was formed as a Methodist religious retreat in the 1800s. It is set up with sidewalks as the "avenues" and cars park in back of the houses. Apparently Methodist summer camp "Groves" were all the rage at that time in New jersey - others include Ocean Grove, Mantua Grove and National Park, NJ.
Anyhow - one evening colleen and dennis and christina and i were all hanging out, sort of bored.
c and d had created this sort of thingy for their vehicle that they didn't want anymore. we were dragging it around and at one point stuck it in the middle of 9th Ave. We kind of forgot about it until later - when we were sitting on the front porch we heard a bicycle go by and then suddenly
a scream and a crash! Some random person had headed down the hill on their bike at full speed and - well, they were suddenly surprised by the fact that they were airborne and no longer in control of their situation.
I think it might be one of those stories where you had to be there?
Are there details I have gotten wrong or forgotten? pleeze remind if so.
Type rest of the post here
for those who have arrived without a previous knowledge of uncle matt
well hmmm... this a bit complicated. as any human life is wouldnt you say? i could take two tragectories here. a simple chronology or a more complex meta-data approach. i think i will opt for the more simplistic approach this evening. meta-data can come later i suppose.
how did i come to the here and now:
in 1972 i was born. i was an unexpected 5th child who arrived after my mother had her tubes cut. they replaced themselves to their original positions and i was born when she was 40 years old. twenty years after my oldest brother. i
was born in south philly but about 6 months after i was born my parents moved to snj. i grew up in williamstown. my older siblings thought i was a bit of a freek because i was way into dirt and animals and the woods, and they grew up in the middle of the catholic concrete of south philly. when i was a little boy i realized i wasnt normal. for a number of reasons. i was too sensitive for my own good. i saw God and beauty everywhere. to my own distraction. to the point that i was overwhelmed. on the flip side of this sensitivity coin i also experienced pain and suffering more intensely. a fair deal in the end i suppose? one thing that struck me quite early was that i was a boy and yet i liked men and i knew this didnt fit in. i did my best to deny it, and accomplished that feat until i was 21. when i was 21 i was in a russian orthodox seminary/monastery.
ironically - of all things- what is usually described as the super-traditional outlook of the eastern orthodox atmosphere allowed me to come out to myself. i was finally able to accept myself as a sexual being and to understand that God rarely - jesus never - talked about my sexual perdicament but constantly talked about compassion and mercy and not judging and forgiving. so i decided to try as much as possible to put into practice what he actually talked about and not worry so much what everyone else talked about instead.
i have been all over the place: california (santa cruz for an extended period of time) europe; luxemburg, germany, czechoslovakia (when it was still a single country) austria, italy, the netherlands, england, iceland and spain. each of those places has contributed to
the soul that now types these words. i finally moved back into my fathers house (my mother died unexpectedly when i was 17 - but thats a whole other email) and he eventually became ill, as age is wont to do to a person. i took care of him for some time, several years, until he became to ill and suffered too much dementia too be left alone during the day, then we (me and my siblings) arranged for him to go into constant care at the VA nursing home in vineland. he died six months later. after that i stayed on at the old house for a while then sold it. moved from pitman, where i lived with my dad, to williamstown, where i had previously grown up until i was 18.
i bought a trailer and moved onto the back 3 acres of my brothers property. where i am still located today. i enjoy the quiet country atmosphere we have here on the very edge of the pine barrens and my semi-subsitance lifestyle. however, in the winter of 05 spring of 06 i suffered a sort of nervous breakdown. i had previously had some rather intense experiences with panic attacks and anxiety and they finally came to a head around this time. at the worst point i was unable to leave the house (trailer and surrounding yard) at all. i was about to go to the emergency room because i was convinced i was dying. but instead i called the mental health hotline in the phone book. interestingly enough they directed me properly and i have received appropriate attention and have been recovering from this sensory overload since around march of 06. happily, i am back to reality but still have some difficulties with too much social/sensory stimulation. i believe that 3000 years ago i might have been a respected shaman for having gone through this experience and resurfaced from the other side. instead in 2007 i am considered a semi-recovered mentally ill person. hows that for progress? in fact - i do not nescessarily know what the words mentally ii mean. i think some people are just more or less sensitive to their surroundings and experiences, feel them and experience them more or less fully - more or less filtered. without any filters whatsoever everyone would be completely insane. we are constantly filtering out things, sounds, sights, all sorts of sensations and experiences. some people's filters are more or less strict. in this day and age of disjointed techno solitude people who have less of a filter between themselves and the fullness of reality are considered disabled in some way. in the distant past they would have been considered super-able, at least i believe so.
at any rate, that is not how i would describe myself. if i needed to make an incomplete label for myself i would say i am a gen-x-semi-heretical-christian (needs to be defined)-of-the-eastern persuasion-homo-american-who-experiences-the-world- primarily-as-an-act-of-artistic-expression-and- wonderment-and-waits-and-prays-for-the-day-that-the- beast-of-consumerism-that-whore-of-babylon-passes- and-the-eternal-kingdom-finds-its-place-in-my-heart. i wonder if that makes any sense to you? i think it might. thats why i answered your message.
oh, wait, im not all goody two shoes mystico shaman. i worked a corporate cubicle jockey job fo
r a couple years. i was involved in the adult industry (since child labor laws what industry isn't adult - but - that's beside the point) for a bit. i was an angry hedonist who hated God for a few years. i've inebriated myself with several different psycho-pharmo-active-substances. i dunno what else? have i scared you away yet? in addition to all of this my main hobbies are reading and researching various esoteric/spiritual/conspiritorial theories/facts, gardening and raising chickens from eggs in an incubator. what do you think? where and what are you right now? most sincerely, matty
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post script - this was written some time ago - since then i no longer live in a place that is conducive to raising baby chicks, and my panic and agoraphobia has eased off a bit - sort of plateaued last year some time. other than that most is still accurate :)
Some of my "art" :)
i took the photos on location and then modified as i saw fit

amsterdam train station with hundreds and hundreds of bicycles parked outside
even in the cozy lanes and canals of amsterdam cartman still stares down at me!
And here we have philadelphia's city hall looking somewhat phallic i suppose - i could have picked another color than pink i guess :)
and here is Rainbow Mountain


Main lodge and restaurant.
the pool - photo from early march when it wasnt full yet
and again the pool which was lovely in midsummer last time i was there
and this is the bar downstairs and the dance club upstairs - yes - somehow it all works - there is a fully functional nightclub in that barn ::
matt's trip to a.c. last week
From Borgata - the new "Water Tower" with Harrah's in the background
the crazy higway interchange/entrance complete with insta-forest
and finally the good old original boardwalk that inspired the world
xtina looks just like christina!
Me and xtina rode bikes to the river near my house
This is a pic of Christina pretending she is not deathly afraid of the bees that were buzzing all around these purple flowers.
this is the inlet - where occasional small boats will park to fish or whatnot.
uncle matt contemplates....... something?
uncle matt has a ciggie.


