Jersey Girl Asks "What the F*CK?!" - watch more funny videos
hey look - jersey girl had her own blog and shes clever and funny! yay jersey! a post from her blog:
Nostalgia gets me all Nostalgic.
Let’s take a moment for nostalgia. I’m talking bout a little show called “The Price is Right.” There we go, let’s bring it back. Go grab a Sunny D and let’s talk about it. What an amazing show, right? First off, I like how they keep it real. And by that I mean all products used, circa 1983. Remember those days when you were home sick from school? It was in your genetic code to watch at least one episode of “The Price is Right.” It really meant you were home when you should be in school. There stood Bob Barker, 135 years old. I think he just stopped aging back in 92’. With that teeny tiny mic that just makes ya giggle. The gag’s over Barker, it’s not cool anymore. You know what always annoys the crap out of me, when people can’t spin the wheel with enough umph. Doesn’t it just make you angry? Man if that were me, I would whip that thing around so hard it would be spinnin for days, just spinnninnnnn. Everyone knows you have to start up high to spin the wheel. You gotta go up to go down. It’s always like 65 year old Nancy from Boca, spinnin the wheel with the energy of a snurtle (that’s the offspring of a female snail and a male turtle, look it up!) Nancy never gets the wheel to do a full spin. It barely makes it half way around, and Bob has that look on his face like “You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.”
And what about those cracked out T-shirts made by the Superfans. Chuck from Minnesota rockin a silkscreened tee that reads “Bob, I spent my children’s college education to fly out here today. Put me in the showdown!!!!” Way to go man, you’ve officially lost your mind. I’m sure when your kids are old enough and attending classes at ITT Tech to become an airconditioner repairman, they’ll be thrilled to know where all the money went. But here’s my point. Most of these prizes, it’s like hey, figure out your demographic. You’ve been on the air for like 140 years. Don’t you get it by now? Have you ever noticed during the Showcase Showdown it’s always like fat toothless people with perms, winning ridiculous prizes you know they can’t possibly keep. The announcer’s all “Tina-Ray, in your showcase today you’ve won a Kawasaki Motorcycle, a grand piano, a 5 day trip to Russia, and a Jukebox!” Meanwhile Tina-Ray has this crazy ass look on her face. Maybe that’s because she lives in a trailer park in the middle of Arkansas. She wants to be like “Hey Bob, what the FUCK am I supposed to do with this?! Yeah, great, lemme just pay crazy ass taxes on this motorcycle, and then I’ll just get lessons how to ride it, oh and don’t forget my motorcycle license. And perfect, I’ll put the piano in the foyer, and stick that huge jukebox in my game room! Oh wait, that’s right….I live in a one bedroom trailer, you bag of douche.” Don’t the producers know better? Like how about just stick with cash, cars, and vacations. Stop giving away boats and motor homes. Who the FUCK is gonna keep a boat? I’m takin a wild guess, but I’m assuming if you’re a contestant on the “The Price is Right”, you’re not really the “owning a boat” type.
The other day I was reminiscing again and something popped in my head. At first I got all warm and fuzzy inside for it made me think of childhood. But then came a tidal wave of disgust and confusion. Do you remember rabbit foot keychains? Who’s bright ass idea was this? Who the fuck would give a child an animal’s sawed off foot coated with colored fur as a good luck charm? I remember when it was cool and the fur would be dyed funky colors. Now, not only is poor bunny-foo violently murdered, but we’ve made a mockery of her by attaching her florescent pink knub to a key ring. And it’s like “Hey, got my good luck charm.” Call me kooky, but I can’t imagine hauling around a dead animal’s foot is an A+ in the karma department. I wonder if this is just an American thing. If I happened to be chillaxin in Italy, eating some spaghetti at a café, would my waiter Antonio Dominick Frappachino give me the stink eye if he saw me lugging an animal’s hoof along with my car keys? And I was all “But itsa my-a gooda lucka charma.” I plan on developing that accent if I ever go to Italy. I don’t really see them as much anymore, but I know they’re still around. This is because I was walking to my car the other day, and a limping rabbit crossed my path. He stopped for a moment and we caught eyes. He motioned his eyes down to his paw and I noticed his foot was missing. Then he shrugged his shoulders, and just kind of shook his head back and forth. I could see his eyes get all glassy like he was about to cry. I just mouthed “I’m sorry.” I think he understood. Probably because he looked up at me and said, “Hey, what are your gonna do?” I’m kidding, that never happened… I never said I was sorry. Sucka.
Here’s the problem with finally getting Tivo or DVR. You now find it virtually impossible and unfathomable to live without it. I was fine before I had it. I lived a decent life. I had friends, and a social life, I worked my around it. You miss a show, so what, you get over it. But now, it’s amazing. My life is just so great I just wanna roll down a grassy hill giggling like a small Asian child. That’s how happy I am about DVR. If someone makes some awkward drunken move on the Real World, rewind that shit! Or how bout, I gotta pee, pause it like it’s hawt! But there’s a downside. The judgment you feel for others that don’t have it. When I was home over Christmas, I literally got angry with my parents for not having DVR. I went to go into the kitchen for a minute while we were watching some program I was apparently “really into.” I’m gonna say it was “The Dog Whisperer,” because man, that Ceaser Milan walks amongst the Gods. Anyway I was all, “Hey, pause it real quick.” To which my Mom replied, “We can’t.” Ah, I didn’t understand. I seemed to be missing something. “No, pause it, I’m going to the kitchen.” “Lauryn, this is a TV show.” “Ok, good, it’s a TV show, now that we have that established, pause it.” She had no clue what I was talking about. I was angry that she could live without DVR. I just wanted to get right in her face, breath all heavy for a minute and say “How do you even get up in the morning.” All week their lack of DVR didn’t register in my head. “Rewind that.” “We can’t.” “Pause this.” “It’s impossible.” “Record this, I’m not gonna be home.” “Well then, you miss it.” I think from here on in, all TV’s should come with a digital recorder. Do you hear me technology? I’m talking to you…
Is anyone else seriously disturbed by this new trend in car commercials? You know what I’m talking about, for VW and Allstate. I don’t know about you, but there are a few things I like in my commercials. I like those that can make me laugh. If advertising can make me chuckle, you’ve won. Congratulations random companies, you’ve done it. Geico Cave-men, you can come over for coffee anytime. I don’t ever remember thinking,” Man when are they gonna start showing graphic car crashes in advertising?” So what made you think I would love to see what an actual car crash looks like, as it’s happening, with no fair warning. I hate to get all Sally Struthers on ya ass, but WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? I don’t think it’s fair for 8 year old Timmy to be watching a happy couple driving to a fun little concert, when BAM they are careened by another vehicle, and SURPRISE, we get a first hand look at what’s going on inside and out of the car. Spinning, screaming, screeching, hair flying, whiplash. Just a scary mess. No bueno. Me no likey. It seems like they finally got on the ball and have a disclaimer before the commercial, but still. VW is even worse. Their slogan is “Safe Happens.” Because after showing the shocking accident, no one is really hurt. Quick cut from crazy accident to them all standing out of the car, chillin like villans and all “whoa, that was crazy.” Guess what? I smell bullshit. Because I have a vivid memory of my VW Jetta ending up on someone’s front lawn after being side swiped by another car. My lip busted up, airbag out, crying like a bitch, and surprise, my car, completely totaled. Safe happening? Not so much. It’s a fucking car, not a titanium rocket ship. I can’t imagine it’s going to keep you that much more secure than any other car. Maybe a Jeep Wrangler…..without the doors…and no top. Way to go graphic fucked up car crash commercials. Maybe VW’s slogan should be. “Safe…possibly happening.. if you get in a fender bender, going 8 mph, on a side street.”
Cuteness alert. Call the snuggly wuggly police. Ok, I’ve figured it out. The cutest thing to have graced this planet. My obsession started from this special on Discovery a few years back. I think it was called, “Animal Friends.” Aw. Basically it was random home videos of strange animal friends. Cross-species companions. Inter-species lovas if you will. The one that sticks out in my head..mainly because I have it on tape…was a bunny and a deer. Best Friends Forever. I swear, these guys became buddies and just hung out in this woman’s backyard, and she would always tape them. They were inseparable. They would eat together, play together, and even relax in the Sun’s warm rays, just cuddling. What do you when something is so adorable to look at, you almost can’t take it? Now, the new one is this Hippo and a Tortoise. Pictures are flying all over the Internet. It was on the news, and even Oprah. This baby Hippo was saved from the Tsunami, put in this zoo, and now thinks the Tortoise is it’s Mom. The Tortoise quickly adopted it and now they love each other. Have...you... ever? HAVE YOU EVER? (I’m screaming at you right now.) The cuteness is so far off the Richter scale, it’s fallen beyond all that is adorable and into violence. I would most likely have to brutally murder all of these animal friends, just, blow their heads right off…puppies with kitties, deers with bunnies, and of course…let us not forget…hippos and turtles….Sorry guys, this cuddly wuddly snuggly adorable friendship love fest will have to continue…from the grave. Exhibit A. Makes you wanna rip through the computer screen and bite their heads off.
So a couple years back I talked about the mysterious one glove phenomenon on NYC sidewalks in the winter. I tried to understand and explain where I thought they came from. After that a year or so later, I discussed the lone black sneaker I would often see on the side of LA streets and highways. Again, tried to find some explanation. Well folks, I guess for the new year I have a new mystery item. The other week I was driving and I saw something I’ve seen a few times before, that just puzzles the shit outta me. I saw a huge mattress on the shoulder of a highway. Listen, when it’s in front of a house of an apartment complex, I totally get it. But what sort of situation would cause a massive fucking mattress to end up on the side of a highway? Is it like some gag? Is there evidence on it from some crime scene? I mean, first off, it would have to take man power to even get it there. And why the shoulder of a highway? Well actually, here’s the backstory to one of the mattresses. So there’s this dude and one day he’s all “Fuck this mattress, we gotta get it outta here! I’m so sick of this stupid bed, just look at it.” And then his bright ass friend is like, “Dude, just load it in my truck, I got a great idea.” But he never says what the idea is. And so they get all their dumb ass friends together and toss it in the back of his pick-up. But meanwhile Doogie (that’s what I named the guy with the idea) is giggling the whole time. He’s the one driving the pick-up. And everyone is like, “Doogie man, what is it, where are we going?” And he’s like “Just wait”….And they finally get to this little forest, and end up at the edge of this lake. They all jump out to go get the mattress. But it’s gone. Why? Because they’re all fucking high, and they tossed the mattress at the edge of the truck, with nothing tieing it down. It was just chillin on the edge. Those guys are such stoners. So the mattress flew of the truck, landing on the shoulder of some highway. Oh…You prolly wanna know what Doogie’s idea was, don’t you? He wanted to toss the mattress in this little lake and him and his friends would jump on and pretend they were white water rafting. It’s probably better off. But ya know what, that is SO Doogie.
“Say wha?” Moment of the Week
Today it drizzled out. It was slightly chilly, a little overcast. I myself wore long sleeves. This evening as they had the coming attraction for the News, I couldn’t believe my ears. I swear on my mother’s leotard, the weatherman stood in front of that green screen map, with the most concerned stone cold face and said “Tune in at 11 to find out when this COLD Winter Storm is going to end.” Really? Seriously? Los Angelans, do you really consider the weather going on, a cold winter storm? If so, sit down, because we need to talk. This is not a cold winter storm. This is a chilly overcast day. If you wanna know a cold winter storm, why don’t we stop by Ithaca, NY, my alma mater. We can go anywhere between the months of September and April. Then we can stand outside and understand what cold feels like…together… That’s when the snow is up to your knees and even your teeth are freezing. That’s a cold winter storm. When just the trip from your house to the car is torture, because although you have 14 layers of clothing on, and even your socks are wearing socks, and nothing is showing but your beady little eyes, you can still somehow feel the crispy cold air sneaking into to the creases of your clothes, whipping against your body like you’re swimming in a fucking Glacier. That’s cold. After you’ve lived through THAT for 4 years, you see things a little differently. So why don’t you just grab a fucking zip up, buy an extra hot Half-Caf Non-Fat Latte, and get the FUCK over it.
Quote of the Week-
(Scrubby old actor dude shows up in the office I work at to audition for a role, he’s talking to some guy looking at his headshot.)
Scrubby Dude- “Well, I’m really cast a lot as a homeless man….I’m not homeless though, I just play one on TV.”
Way to go dirty old guy, you’ve really made it…I guess.
Song That Makes Me Wanna Strangle a Hamster.
Carrie Underwood- “Jesus, take the Wheel.”
Ok, I really haven’t intensely listened to the lyrics, so maybe I’m not quite qualified to judge this song, but fuck it. I’m sorry Carrie Underwood, but I’m going to have to politely disagree with you on this one. First off, what a stupid song, Jesus take the wheel? No. I’m thinking Jesus should not take the wheel. Carrie, I don’t think your song is good advice for your young listeners either, cause they don’t understand metaphors. Listen, if you wanna believe in him, and pray for him, and pray TO him, well I think that’s just swell. I don’t, on the other hand, believe you should let him take the wheel, or drive your car at all for that matter. This is because…Jesus doesn’t know how to drive…At all….He’s really shitty and he always speeds. He’s had like 4 speeding tickets just this year, and has 6 unpaid parking tickets. Last time Jesus and I went on a Roadtrip, he made me play Chinese fire drill at every light, AND raced some Mexicans when the light turned green. If he got pulled over..Jesus would most likely get your license suspended. Carrie, you country bumpkin, why don’t you do your research next time. If anyone should take the wheel, it should be Moses. That dude knows can drive stick!
posted by Lauryn Kahn @ 1:58 PM
2 comments:
HAHAHAHAHA. Jersey Girl forgets why she walked into the room. Hungover Bonnaducci style!
Jersey girl cant find johnny dominico's apartment
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