UNcyclopedia does New jersey

"In order to live in New Jersey one must be at least one of the following; Italian, German, Jewish, Irish, Asian, Latino, Black or Catholic - exception: Indians may live in central Jersey only. If you meet none of these standards then you are to be whacked. New Jersey has a curiosity called the Jewtalian - Italian girls who could pass for a Semite and who act Jewish. (Jewtalians are also deathly afraid of bears) When Jewtalians travel to other parts of the United States, they are almost always mistaken for Jews. Many Jewtalians, who average 4.5 feet tall, can be seen arriving at the Short Hills Mall in cream colored Cadillac Escalades. All Jersey residents hate New Yorkers, because they ordered the whacking of Oscar Wilde.

Another little known fact is that all people from New Jersey know where Jimmy Hoffa is, who killed Kennedy, where to get a good meal at three in the morning, and where to get drugs. New Jersey is divided into the north and the south. The North is the land of pollution and crime and the south is farms, Wawas, the shore, and a dumping spot for corpses. All people in New Jersey live in fear of three things; the mafia, the Jersey Devil, and car insurance. South Jersey people also know how Mexicans fit twenty people into the front cab of a truck, because they have done it with them. New Jersey residents also have been to every business shown on the Sopranos. The only way New Jersey residents are able to survive the taxes is through their Mafia connections.

Moreover, it is important to mispronounce certain words : water as "wudder", garbage as "garbitch", etc. You also are required to live within one half-hour of a mall, within .5 minutes of a Wawa (in south Jersey), and within 500 yards of two Dunkin' Donuts locations. The number of Dunkin' Donuts franchises was required to provide sustenance for the largest police population of any of the United States. However New Jerseyites agree that Wawas are substantially better than Dunkin' Donuts. "

New Jersey has a rich culture in the arts, including but not limited to strip clubs inhabited by middle aged strippers and men in trucker hats, and has been the birthplace of such hit motion picture masterpieces such as "Jersey Girl" and "Gigli".

Amongst the things to do in New Jersey:

* Engage in self-loathing and general misanthropy
* Go to the mall
* Have your job given to somebody in Singapore
* Sit in traffic
* Attempt to swim against a rip current at the Jersey Shore
* One of the many St. Patrick's day Parades w/alcohol
* Shopping
* Do many various drugs
* Flipping off random people
* Curse your fellow man
* Curse your government
* Curse yourself
* Suicide
* Go "down the shore."
* Pay $4 for a slice of pizza at the shore, and then realize you could've gotten one for $2 down the block
* Get shot
* Go to Camden for drugs and then get shot
* Go to Camden and die instantly (you were shot)
* Tailgating
* Volunteer for the Army
* See the sights of Camden, really.
* Various tickets for made up driving offenses
* Dream of better places
* The "Is this Governor secretly gay too" game
* Get harassed by drugged up girls at Wawa (South Jersey only)
* Ride the Riverline, the slowest public transit in the entire universe
* Pay 20% - 30% more for cigarettes than neighboring states, and then not be allowed to smoke them indoors.
* Watch any of the hundreds of absolutely pointless road construction projects unfold.
* Enjoy a traffic light density 3,000,000% above the national average.
* Enjoy red lights while no cars pass for 5-10 minutes.
* Pay tolls
* Make a left turn using a jug-handle
* Circles in the road... that magically turn into triangles... which amazingly are harder to navigate than the circle.
* Order "Coiffee".
* Nothing.

[edit] Places in New Jersey

* ... Bagel Shops.
* Wildwood
* A nuclear power plant in a swamp
* Atlantic City
* Camden aka "Most Dangerous City in the United States of America."
* Wawa
* Doldrums (Lacey Township)
* The Sunken Ruins of Old Jersey
* South Jersey (not related)
* Fair Lawn (The ultimate in suburban living)
* Route 130... a place for hookers, strip clubs and black people
* Parking lots (Everywhere else).
* Every other Wawa

Roads in NJ

Interstate 95 is a road that defies all logic in Jersey. Notice the mile numbers. Notice how they randomly go up and down. Notice how if you are on I-95 North, somehow you end up on I-295 south and if you are on I-95 South you end up on I-295 North? Also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy is Route 130, which randomly joins with Route 295 in the southern area to try to have a four-way orgy with Route 40 and the Jersey Turnpike at the Delaware Memorial Bridge.

Route 73 contains one of the more amusing circles in New Jersey lore, known as the Marlton Circle. Many years ago, New Jersey's founding fathers drank a whole lot of corn liquor and invented the traffic circle. Later, soberer administrations decided that the circles were not the way to go, and bulldozed the living hell out of them and replaced them with humongous intersections where left turns are not allowed. Or are allowed, depending on the circle and the level of drinker's remorse the legislature had been feeling that day. Anyhow, when the Marlton Circle's turn came, the powers that be had apparently fallen off the wagon, for rather than replace the circle with a normal, or even Jersey-style incomprehensible intersection, they decided to run (why not?!) Route 73 straight through the circle.

Route 42 has a freeway section that is meticulously kept to the same maintenance standards as the surface of the moon. You will never see it, however, as for some inexplicable reason, it is just about impossible to re-enter the highway once you have exited it. Just about every road that has an interchange with this freeway will allow you to exit OR enter, but if you want to do both, you are jolly well screwed. An uncyclopedian who has spent his whole life living less than ten minutes from this abomination once tried to find a way to get on the highway. His efforts were unsuccessful and he had to slink home cursing his government (see things to do in New Jersey). The government's theory apparently was that "Wherever you might wish to go, you're already there!" This philosophy was reinforced when the state decided to render 295 North inaccessible from Rt. 42, thus leading to the slogan, "It's either there, or Delaware!" for if you wish to go anywhere else, you are once again jolly well screwed. This road is also in on the Route 295 Conspiracy (see Interstate 95, above) in that motorists wishing to access Rt. 42 must engage in a series of preposterously dangerous curving, weaving, and merging movements. This feature is intended to drum up business for the Camden/Gloucester county auto body shops

New Jersey Translations

* Down the Shore: Go to the beach. Note the absence of the word "to".
* Wooder: Water
* The Parkway: The Garden State Parkway
* The Turnpike: The freeway
* What exit?: What people say when they find out that someone is from NJ
* Mook: Loser/Asshole used to describe a foreigner to the state.
* Cawfee: Coffee
* Jug Handle: Overly complicated traffic thing. "

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/New_Jersey