well, September is almost over and it was rough month but now that it's done im so glad - with each passing week i could feel another weight drop off my shoulders... like, i could physically feel it drop off! so I'm going to do a run down of all that has come to pass - to include:
my DUI hearing
my Bankruptcy hearing
my Social Security hearing
and some other stuff i did:
DUI: i got pulled over in January of 08 for DUI - it was totally stupid and totally my fault and i told the officer that. at the end of our evening together the officer even said that he would make a special notation in the report that i was very co-operative and not totally plastered acting. so, ages and ages went by and i never got a notice to go to court - 7 months later i got the notice - come to court. i got a public defender and went to court. i was totally freaked for the entire weekend before court. this is my second DUI and i was petrified that i would be totally spanked by the state.
Well, it went ok, more or less. I lost my license for 2 years but that doesn't change my day to day life too much right now since i haven't had a car since march due to finances and such. i got the NJ state surcharges to pay. But i got a very low fine from the court itself which is great. but in place of this low fine i got 30 days community service. the court in the county where this happened said i will eventually get a letter from Gloucester county telling me where and when to show up for my community service intake interview. again - trying to look at this in the best light possible - i had been planning as part of my therapy to do volunteer work as my next step in re-broadening my horizons. so, in the end i felt ok about it i guess?
Bankruptcy: I also stopped working some time ago due to mental health issues (panic and agoraphobia with depression and a couple other more minor diagnoses). so needless to say i burnt through all my savings paying for treatment before medicaid kicked in and as a result i also stopped paying all my old credit cards. when i first wasn't able to pay anymore i owed about 9,000. by last month that amount had become 22,000 due to interest and penalties. anyway, another lawyer (did you know it costs almost 1000 to go bankrupt? kind of an oxymoron of sorts cause of course you don't have a 1000 if you are bankrupt, but i was able to scratch it together from here and there). i went through that government hearing in yet another dull, depressing government building with way too much fluorescent lighting. i walked out debt free but also unable to borrow any money for another 7-10 years. based on my experiences with credit and how they treat you i think that might be more of a blessing than a punishment.
Social Security Hearing: oy, where do i start? really it starts in 1997 when i had my first bout of panic attacks and agoraphobia but after a couple weeks hiding in my bedroom (it was scary to even go downstairs to the fridge and i would run if i had to) it passed somehow. hooray! then in 01 the panic attacks (they may or may not be what you think they are - i think they need a better name but...) started to creep back in, slowly, but surely. by 04 i quit my last full time on the books job because i was having too much trouble keeping it together. but i thot - hey - maybe i just need a break? maybe after a couple months i will get better again. so i sold my house in Pittman and moved on over to the Moore family compound back in williamstown. i kept waiting for it to get better "in a couple more months" and it didn't.
it got worse. it got to the point that by January 06 i was having a hard time leaving my trailer at all, i could go into the yard but anything further would likely cause a panic attack. i had difficulty being a passenger in a car, going to any sort of restaurant, movie theaters were out of the question and supermarkets existed to be run through at top speed. i realized i had hit a sort of rock bottom and dug out the yellow pages and called the county mental health hot line. this was a good thing but at the time it seemed like a death sentence: "call this number" called - "oh you really need to call this number" called - "ok, we can put u on our waiting list, we should have an appointment open in two months." figure that's crazy and call another service - same thing.
eventually by march i got an appointment. the therapist i had was great i thot. she was like something from a movie or such: a very dignified older (40s or 50s?) black woman with her hair in a turban. we did a bunch of crazy exercises; go to border books and sit for 10 minutes (me in borders covered in sweat!) etc. she was very insightful and not all like "well it's your fault you dumb ass" - she said for instance - "maybe you have a predisposition for anxiety that never would have shown up if you grew up and lived in italy or spain or anywhere where the pace is less frantic. nj is one of the worst places possible for someone who is easily overwhelmed."
in the first three months i made a great deal of progress. but then i sort of plateaued.
and on the plateau i have been since then. me and colleen living on a mesa of one sort or another :) ! so the therapist - she told me to apply for Social Security almost as soon as i started therapy. her words after our first meeting "you have a severe mental health problem." yikes! so in spring 06 i trekked on over to the SS office in glassboro.this is one of the catch 22's about getting treatment for agoraphobia and panic - the last thing u want to do is go out to these government offices and sit in a room full of people while the tv blasts at you and various children run around screaming and throwing things. well i did it. i applied. little did i know it was all some sort of game - like Chinese checkers or battleship.
needless to say more than two years later i finally got to have my hearing. the "judge" looked like Santa. he seemed very fair but also very difficult to read. very few if any reactions as i spent an hour or so answering my lawyer and his questions. he had all sorts of medical documents before him as well - these days there is a cd with all of your records in PDF format and there are two computers and two monitors, one for you and your lawyer and one for the judge. your lawyer and the judge can both control it and zoom back and forth between your various humiliating documents. anywho, by the end i was a twitchy sweaty mess but i got through it. i was super worried when me and my lawyer and her boss who had actually come along to do all the talking(?) sat me down in the foyer. i asked - well, how did we do? they both seemed a bit doubtful, well, the vibe i got was more than doubtful it was awful.
they said i would get a letter anywhere between two weeks and two months from then. after two weeks i made a daily habit of running ou tto the mailbox 3 times a day to see if an answer had come. that didn't end up how my answer came. my lawyer called me and asked me how i was doing? she said it in such a way that i knew she was wondering if i got the answer yet. i said i dunno - do you have any info for me? she said yes, good news, and i had a horrible day so far so to give you some good news is a nice thing. anyway i was approved - i found out friday morning. retroactive to when i first applied.
now i get to follow through with the tentative plans i had of starting to take some classes at GCCC and then on from there and various other financial quandaries find themselves fixed.
what is ultimately interesting for me at this point is that, yes, i was elated for a few hours after i got the decision, but since then i have been in a weird place, like my entire world is shifted and i have been hiding under the covers for the bulk of the last few days just trying to process what this means and what it will allow, ask phil, louie, mike, giovani, hans and anyone who has tried to have anything to do with me since friday. i wouldn't nescessarily call it a depression, but my behaviour has mimiced typical depression type behaviour the last few days, an odd and unexpected development.
What Else Happened: I crashed my mountain bike and lost a tooth. don't know what will happen about that but for the time being i look like one of Sarah Palin's hockey kids. or a meth addict - either one.
I did lots of painting and arranging and decorating of the trailer.
I argued repeatedly with coco over whether he really needed to go potty in the middle of the night or was just faking it, which he does some times you know!I watched some dvds - family guy season 1, someone to eat cheese with, something else i forgot. and also watched lots of project runway which i was completely caught of guard about being swept into cause i usually get the heebie jeebies whenever i see a "reality" show.
I spent allot of time in the mornings "misting" the patches of moss in my 10 foot by 50 foot yard. i want all the grass to die and the moss to take over everything and then to have lots of other shade loving stuff like azaleas, rhododendrons, laurels and several not too tall evergreens. there is a small spot in the back of the yard that gets tons of sun - so that will be for veggies - the rest a challenge: a shade garden!
trying to think of interesting things that happened in September is really hard... well, for now i will leave it at this. maybe add some tomorrow or later tonight or later next week or ....
1 comments:
I'm really glad you shared all of this. I still learn from you every day !
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